Hello!!
Welcome to the site that dares to stick it's tongue out at other tribute's to the Famous Four. You have arrived at the official* Gene Simmons tribute web - page; a veritable feast of all things related to the flacid - tongued one and the three others who hung around in the background of his videos.
*Is not in any way official. In fact, very little of it has any relevance to Gene Simmons at all. In the main, we're just talking bollocks. Just thought I'd warn you.
THIS MONTH'S FEATURE
As a special treat for all KISS fans, to celebrate the launch of this, the world's greatest website, we realised we had to include something truly excellent, something bodacious, something Kajunga. And so, bearing this in mind, we wrote to - yes, you guesed it - the one and only, GENE SIMMONS himself!!* He informed us that, although he was busy promoting a new kind of envelope in Vietnam that could potentially contain as many as ten live shrews - all in the good name of KISS, he would be glad to fit in an interview with us - the number one GS (note abbreviated name - yes, we really are that close) website. And so, without further ado, here is the interview in full:
Hello, Gene - thanks ever so much for agreeing to this interview.
-That's quite alright. Anything for my legions of fans; as I've always said, I believe the free world should be influenced - shaped, even -by me, for I am; a ROCK G...
Yeah, whatever. So how does it feel to have recently released the new range of KISS garden equipment; tipped to be a number one Christmas best-seller?
-Well, I'm quite astounded. Did you know that we've... er, I mean, I'VE had bestselling merchandise infecting our global economy for the last 19 decades? You know Jesus was a carpenter?
Er, yes...
-And do you know why he moved into the word-work trade? That's right!! To make the original KISS Shed: Resurrection Edition.
OK, right... So what do you say to those people who have attacked your seemingly logic - defying decisions in endorsing so much merchandise; saying that you have sold out?
-I tell them to F**k off. And if that doesn't work, I set my guinea pig, Harold, on them.
NEXT MONTH: MORE OF THIS EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW. WHAT ARE GENE'S OPINIONS ON RAMPANT COMMERCIALISM, AND THE RISE OF TOTALITARIANISM IN THE EASTERN BLOCK? WILL WE SEE HAROLD? -PLUS- GENE WRESTLES A PIG!
*Actual subject is none other than our favourite Irishman, Keith (below, worn out from his wrestling match), dressed in full glam - rock gear
IMPORTANT: A NEW THREAT TO KISS AND ALL IT STANDS FOR
As we go to press tonight, the 28th of April (it will, I'm sure become an infamous date - due to what I am about to tell you) a new threat to KISS has emerged. One that could rock the rock gods to their very foundations. Millie Tomalin - Reeves, a well known welsh war criminal, has declared war upon everything that is KISS. The declaration was swift, yet destructive. And, yes, there were casualties. What the box to KISS pinball (yes, the very same!) did to anger the hussy we are not sure, but the aggressor responded with deadly force - actually STANDING on the box, cracking it in a flash of plastic. Thankfully, the game itself was not harmed, and is still functional. However, it will be kept out of Amelia's reach from now on. To make matters worse, the wench has joined forces with the Irishman, Keith who - in a stunning move - defected to the dark side (Van Halen, if the rumours are to be believed). The two Celts have now turned on former comrades Mike and Matt - who have had to turn their places of dwelling to keep such things as Millie's Orson-inspired aural attack, which resonates from her trench at least 78 times a day, at bay. We will keep you updated on the unfolding events of this war but, if you do not hear from us again, please, contact the 'Four Warriors of Rock - we shall be requiring their help soon. With their assistance, there is no way we can be defeated, and the Celtic rebellion shall be crushed once and for all. Out of a matter of security, the KISS army shall be keeping a close eye on Dan, Millie's long - suffering spouse - in case the minx persuades him to defect also. Having bore witness to his, er, 'willpower', before, I'm sure he will crack fairly soon. Pray for us, fellow KISS fans, and we shall pray for you.
Announcing the New Member of The KISS Army
That's right! Your beloved site chairman Matt and his fiancee, Deb have had a baby boy! The latest arrival to the KISS Army was born on September 11th, weighing 6lb and they have decided to call him Tom. Matt is said to be thrilled and is currently talking about himself in third person.
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